Happiness 1.0

Scene One:
Lights up on DOUG, lost in the shelves of the self-help section at BARNES & NOBLE. The store sings to him.

BARNES & NOBLE
LOOKING FOR DIRECTION?
GENERAL DISAFFECTION?
REELING FROM REJECTION?
CAN'T KEEP AN ERECTION?
PRIVATE LIFE TIPPING TOWARDS CHERNOBYL?
GET THEE TO THE SELF-HELP SECTION
OF YOUR LOCAL
BARNES
AND
NOBLE

DOUG
This. Can't. Be.
Shit. shit. shit.
NOT POSSIBLE! IMPROBABLE!
IT APPEARS I'VE READ THEM ALL.

BARNES & NOBLE
NO! N0!!

DOUG
GUIDE TO GETTING ALONG HELPED ME FEIGN INNER CALM
LOVE IS A RISING TIDE GAVE ME TOOLS TO OPEN WIDE
ECKHART TOLLE MADE ME FEEL HOLY
GOOD GRIEF GAVE ME SWEET RELIEF AFTER MAMA DIED. . . .

BARNES
I’m sorry to hear of your loss.

DOUG
Thank you, it was years ago.

NOBLE
Still, when I lost Barnes, it was painful.

DOUG
Wait? You're Barnes and—

BARNES
Noble! You're confusing the lad! Don't mind us, simply think of this as a very high-level customer service call. This is about you, dear boy.

DOUG
Me?

NOBLE
Indeed, we heard your cry for help from our shelves.

DOUG
No, no, not me. Anything but me. There is no me.

BARNES
How can that be? You've read all our books.

NOBLE
And still, you’re not happy?

DOUG
HAPPY, WHAT IS HAPPY?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
BREAK IT APART, TRY TO PERCEIVE
HA-PPY, H-APPY, HAP-PPPPY?
NO IDEA WHAT IT MIGHT BE
ONLY KNOW HAPPY, ISN'T ME.

(Musical continues.)